Find Your Calling... Even In The Dark

cartoon from this blog

Life in limbo has ups and downs totally unique to itself. One benefit is that I have an unlimited amount of time to myself. I have the privilege of spending copious amounts of time with my boyfriend, or with friends or family, or with my dog or doing whatever it is that might strike my fancy. The downside of this is the time to myself. Everyone needs alone time, clearly, but this is getting ridiculous.

My job search is repeatedly coming up dry. While positions exist that I qualify for, I have been informed that I am over-qualified and simultaneously under-experienced in general. This was made clear by the Connecticut DOL who required me to attend an "Enhanced Reemployment Program" last week. This consisted of being told that those in attendance were selected by a computer based on our application for unemployment benefits. That is to say, we were either over the age of 55 or under the age of 25 when we applied, over-qualified or under-qualified, or in a declining industry. Well, I was 25 when I applied, I have an MA in human rights, and worked in the non-profit sector. Three outta three is terrible! I had a resume expert look at mine after the program. She said it was pretty much perfect... and then handed me a sheet titled "Advice for the Over-Qualified." Yay?

I keep looking. The job postings I find keep getting less and less applicable to me. While I do have an MA, I only really have two years of industry experience. Granted, between my former boss, the graphic designer and me, we were the entire marketing department for six New England states. That alone should pretty much ensure that I have experience in damn near everything marketing-wise. But you can't really express that in a resume. And when employers are receiving hundreds, possibly thousands, of resumes for each posting, I'm sure they filter early and effectively. Lack of tangible and recognizable experience on paper is a serious hinderance. Beyond that, I've noticed job descriptions, similar to those I was looking at two years ago, are now requiring increasingly long experience in the industry. While a job might have required 1 - 2+ years experience before, they're now asking 5+ years and offering the same pay/position. I suppose in this job market, that's an employer's prerogative, but DAMN! I don't know what to do, really, except keep on keepin' on.

This has made me rethink my career path (I can't say I really mapped one out, anyway). Before I got my recently lost job, I toyed with the idea of going for my PhD. Back to giving the ol' education the long view is where I'm currently sitting. I still have thousands in student loans from my MA. I have no real income, per se, and what the state pays in unemployment isn't going to last long. My bank account is dwindling uncomfortably. I'm frustrated and stir-crazy and maybe I'm grasping at straws...

I would be inclined to pursue a PhD in either cultural anthropology or international relations, hopefully at UConn. What they're asking for application is daunting. They require my GRE scores, a test I took 5 years ago and, in my estimation, bombed (though I can't find the record of this failure in my piles of crap from undergrad). They need references from former professors. They need a signed waiver handing over my first-born; or at the very least, my ability to spin straw into gold. I loved being in school. From pre-school through grad school, I enjoyed every minute of it. Granted, my propensity for goofing off really struck in undergrad and lasted until well after grad school, perhaps hindering my natural abilities more than I would like to admit, but I still loved school.

My time in grad school ranks among the best of my life. I lived in London, went to one of the best schools, made amazing friends, and probably drank at least three years off my liver. (The last of these things probably affecting my academic performance in a less-than-brilliant fashion, but so it goes.) I loved what I studied, I loved the school, the library, and the city. If it weren't for an expiring student visa and and even more rapidly expiring bank account, I have little doubt I'd still be there now, working if I could get clearance, working under the table at a pub and entering a sham marriage with my friend Kat if I couldn't.

So school itself, regardless of location, is something I adore. Really, I'm never happier than when I'm learning something new. Ask anyone who knows me, I have an absurd well of useless and randomly acquired facts swimming in my head. Bits I pick up hither and thither tend to come out unexpectedly, often at times I feel socially awkward. I've learned, though, that my well of knowledge surrounding human rights tends not to be the best topic-of-conversation for, say, a dinner party with your boyfriend's parents, just as an example. (The "Palestinian Hanging" torture technique doesn't make for good light discussions. No one ever accused me of being socially graceful.)

When one obtains a PhD., it commits the new doctor to a life of teaching and/or research, essentially. Could I teach at the university level for a career? I think so. Would I be fired for assaulting a student who just didn't want to learn? Possibly. But teaching techniques are something you learn over time. I am well aware that I'd actually kill a child if I had to teach high school or younger. I substituted for three days back in 2008 and came away with a brand new respect for teachers. Yowsa. But I digress.

I still have no idea if this is something I want. I would seek a PhD not for the shallow benefits it would provide; but because I genuinely love learning and would really like to master a subject. I am, however, overcome with fear of my own inadequacies. I have no idea if I'd even be accepted. Should I bother going through the taxing efforts of applying, possibly including a re-take of the GREs? Could I hack it as a T.A., research assistant, and eventually (hopefully) a professor? How would I pay my bills? What would I live on while in school? And would getting a PhD. actually open more doors for my future, or close them?

It seems the longer I have to stew in my own unemployed juices, the more confused I get as to the avenues open to me. I know I would always be welcome in the City of Salt, and that I can live at home pretty much as long as I need (I really, really don't want to need to do so for much longer!). But in spite of the fact that the world is essentially open in front of me, I feel very confined by past choices and my inability to identify what I want and need - from myself, from my job, from others. It's days like this that I think life would be so much simpler if we were still stuck in a feudal system. I may have been a serf, but at least I knew what my life was about... and that I'd probably have a job for life.