No, I Don't Want To Talk About It

 

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The world of the Job Search (capitalized, you see) is an odd one. It is made up of the Haves and Have Nots, a stark distinction that is not unlike a class division. And while many of the Haves were once Have Nots, I imagine that they quickly forget what it was like to look for gainful employment. Or, at the very least, I often suspect that they were Have Nots in another, kinder economic climate.


I've mentioned this before, but I have a great education. I have experience. I have brains and drive and a sense of humor. I am not unemployable, I am simply unemployed. Moreover, I know what I need to do to get a job. The horrible cliché "getting a job is a full time job" isn't too far off. I wake up every morning and start my search. (Today, Monster.com suggested I look into managing my local Sunglass Hut.) I apply for jobs, I tweak my resumé constantly, I follow up on applications, interviews, business cards I pull out of the "Win A Free Lunch" fishbowls at restaurants.


As I sit here crying from utter and all-consuming frustration, I realize that one of my most challenging struggles is not just my inability to find employment - it's having to talk about it.


The Haves seem to look at me with the same expression - one of pity and concern and relief - when they ask how my job search is going. Yes, relief. I know that every time I mention how hard it is to find a job, how I've only had a few interviews, how it's been almost six months, they thank their lucky stars it isn't them. And I don't blame them, really. I would probably be making the same face if I were in that position. But then comes the unsolicited advice...


I know people are trying to help. Really, I do. Or, they're trying to remind me that they're employed. Sometimes, I honestly can't tell which it is. Either way, I cannot express how tired I am of the following conversation:


Employed friend/acquaintance/stranger: How's the job hunt going, Court?
Me: Oh, you know, it goes. I've had a few interviews, and I apply to jobs every day, but it's tough.
Employed individual: Have you tried...? OR What about...?
Me: Oh yes, I have. OR I'm looking into it.
Have: Well, I'll keep an eye out for you. I'll see what's out there.
Have Not: Oh how grateful I am to you, as I am a lowly peon with crap morals milking the State for unemployment benefits. Without you, I would starve!


Okay, so not really. I am actually grateful that there are some folks who are keeping an ear to the ground where they work. My friend Kristin, for instance, has been amazing in sending me job openings at her company, and I actually got an interview there upon her recommendation. Incidentally, it was at an insurance company, and they went with someone with underwriting experience (can't blame them), but at least I got in the door. 


On the other hand, I'm tired of that conversation because there seems to be an underlying assumption that if I just tried their advice, if I just did the one right thing, I'd have a job. I just haven't been told what that thing is yet, but THIS PERSON HAS THE MAGICAL INSIGHT, damnit. They just know it! 


The thing is, it's all the same advice. I just had to stop my dad from spewing more a minute ago when he asked why I was crying. 
"I'm just so fucking frustrated with my job search!" I said.
"Well, have you tried...?" He started.
"I don't want to talk about it. I just don't!" I interrupted him. He left the room. I feel bad.


Really, it's been six months. There is no more wisdom to impart to me as far as how to look for a job. I have heard it all, I promise you. And the one conclusion I draw is that is isn't what you know, it's who you know. Yes, it's that horrible n-word. No, not that one, I was talking about networking.


"Networking," as far as I can tell, is code for "my dad/aunt/friend/neighbor/former babysitter is in middle management and will get me a job." I shouldn't poo-poo networking, but I don't have connections. There are many reasons for this, not the least of which being I went to grad school overseas and the limited experience I had in my field was for a non-profit - a dying sector if ever there were one in this economy. (Word is they haven't even outsourced my position at my old organization yet. That means this non-profit has gone six months without any communications team. If you can't communicate your mission as a non-profit, you can't garner donations!) 


But it's more than that. Networking is all fine and dandy once you're in the network, whatever network that may be. It's getting in that's the hard part. And how do you get in? You become a Have. 


Just as I stare, dumbfounded, at job openings that require 5-10+ years of experience, wondering how I can get a job without that much experience, but I can't get experience without a job, networking is a Catch-22. I can't get in without being in. Networking is like the Sopranos or something, though with presumably less fire power and T&A.


So, I'm tired of telling people I'm unemployed. I am sick to death of the pity/relief stare. I am tired of smiling through the same dead-end conversations and suggestions when I just want to talk about anything else. I hate basketball, but I will talk to you for six hours about LeBron James if it will keep you from reminding me that I don't have a job.


I don't want to sound ungrateful. Really, I'm not. I'm just frustrated and scared and angry. I'm not jealous, per se, of those with jobs. I don't want to take anyone's job, I just want one of my own (preferably one with benefits, but I'm definitely getting less picky these days). I do appreciate the sympathy and empathy that people offer, because it is really hard out here in Joblessville. I just can't talk about it anymore, especially with the same people. I don't have anything left to say, and there really isn't much new to hear.


All the same, I know the conversations can't stop, because who knows? Maybe the next person I come across will know of the exact position I will fit, and I'll suddenly become a Have. (And by suddenly, I mean after slogging through the seemingly endless application and interview process.) I just want to put it out there that this isn't easy. And it's not just the search that's hard, it's that it is never-ending. There is no respite from the reminder that I am unemployed, that I need a job. Even when I'm out trying to relax, I have a nagging fear that I may never find a job.


Adam keeps reminding me that of all the times to be unemployed, now is it. So many people will have a gap in their resumés during this period that it will be understandable. Regardless, it's hard not to feel defective and less than because of my joblessness. It's difficult to wake up every morning and question whether or not I'm worthy, intelligent, or friendly enough to get a job... or to keep one. I realize I was laid off due to the financial shit-show that was my former employer, but sometimes, on days like today, I really wonder. 


Maybe I just need a little Stuart Smalley in my life today, because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggoneit, people like me.

Al Franken as Stuart Smalley. Found it here.

All the same, even Stuart Smalley once said, "whining is anger coming through a very small opening."


So maybe I've been whining my way through this post. Or maybe, just for a little while, I don't want to talk about it. Just for a little while. I need time to regroup.